The other day I mentioned having another blog, well that other blog is a beauty blog. I’ve been blogging about beauty products for almost 5 years and I’ve had an amazing time but sometimes I feel like a bit of sham.
In 2008, I started taking trips for the blog. I won a trip to Paris that year, went to Los Angeles and New York last year, then made 2 more trips back to New York earlier this year. During those trips, I meet other beauty bloggers and that’s when a feeling of inferiority kicks in. These girls are all so pretty, much thinner than me and impeccably dressed. I take some dress pants and a nice top and I still miss the mark. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t be there some times and that can be a little tough on the self-esteem.
Here is a picture from my trip to Paris, I’m in the middle. When I found out I won a trip to Paris, I freaked out when I realized I was seeing these gals in person. I told a few of them that I had something to tell them before we met. I made a bigger deal out of it than it really was of course, but I told them “hey, I’m a big girl” as a warning.
Looking back, of course that was a ridiculous thing to do but I just didn’t want that “I can’t believe how huge she is” look in their eyes when I met them. I was meeting people I really admired and I didn’t want to be judged on my appearance. If anything, all of the people I have met have been wonderful. When I meet someone in the industry, I always wonder if they are going to judge my knowledge of beauty products based on my size but so far that hasn’t happened. Maybe it happens behind my back, who knows.
Then there’s the issue of showing my face on my blog. This is something I think I should be doing to help the blog grow (like some tutorials) but I shy away from it. Some bloggers like to show how they look wearing the products they are writing about or make a video showing the actual product. I’ve posted a picture of myself a few times in the past but I always worry if my readers see what I look like, will they lose their faith in me and what I’m saying. This is ridiculous, I know, but I still think about it. This is the main reason why I sometimes feel like a sham. Unfortunately, the beauty industry (and people) can be superficial. I shouldn’t want to have the approval of people like this but I guess I just want to be liked.
You can probably guess by now that my my weight has had a huge affect on my self-esteem and how I interact with people. Maybe that’s why I love the web so much. I can interact with people without any fear of judgment because they can’t see me. It’s something I’m working on improving but it doesn’t come easy. I’m starting to take little baby steps and put myself in situations that require a bit of confidence. The more I do this, the longer I can be in that situation. Someone once told me to keep doing putting myself out there and if I feel uncomfortable to leave, so that’s what I’m doing. So far the record is 45 minutes.