As the Scale Turns

For the longest time, I’ve felt that I couldn’t escape from the weight I carry on my frame. I’ve started more diets than I can count on both hands and feet then promptly failed them as well. Until late last year, nothing really mattered to me in terms of my health…there was no such thing as the "last straw". I’ve had several of those and I was going to do what I needed to do. I was going to seek comfort in food where I wasn’t getting it from love, work, wherever. It was the only thing I had to look forward to. I really didn’t think I had much to live for. The thrill of a new lipstick or savoring a steak can only take you so far.

(more…)

Wow…I have not said a word here since August. I only realized it had been that long when I was in the process of moving this blog to a new server along with my other blog. I had good intentions when I started this blog… I swear!

Since August, I have gained back all of the weight I lost and lost some of it again. I stopped going to weigh-ins shortly after I moved into my new apartment. I spent most of the first month running around shopping for all the things I foolishly tossed out when I moved out of my old place in June. In my mind, it sounded like a good plan. I was going to being in my new place with all new things… but then I wasn’t prepared for the time and money spent replacing all of those things. When I got home at the end of the day, I just wasn’t focused on counting points and let all my progress go.

I did commit myself to Weight Watchers again, I re-joined a few weeks ago. Monday would have been my 4th weigh-in but the Seattle area got some snow this week (we still have not thawed out) and I was too scared to drive to the weigh-in, all I was focused on was getting home in one piece. I’ve lost a total of 7lbs. since I have been back on the wagon and I’ve been feeling better than I have in a long, long time. Realizing you are full on a smaller amount of food than you have been consuming lately is definitely a thing of beauty!

The other thing I have done is join a gym. I’ve had a few sessions with a trainer and we’re developing a routine with weights to work on my legs and arms. I would have been further along but I was sick then had some events for the other blog to attend so that delayed my progress a bit but next week, it’s game on! We still have to work in weights to work out my shoulders and back. And honestly, I have a bit of a crush on the trainer I’m working with so there’s an added incentive to going back to the gym now. More on that another time.

So what’s your strategy for the holidays? Tomorrow is going to be tough. My mother is going to pull out all the stops and her stuffing might just be the best thing I have ever tasted in all of my life. I’m not going to deprive myself but I’m going to have smaller portions than I have in the past and stop when I’m feeling satisfied. I’ll let you know how that goes.

When I’m on the wagon, as I like to call it, there are certain things that I must have in my refrigerator at all times. It just so happens that most of things come from Trader Joe’s. I use to be very anti-Trader Joe’s. Yes, that is possible. I was younger and though of it as “that weird store”. Oh, I was so wrong. I didn’t know then that future me would think that Trader Joe’s could do no wrong… except ignoring north Seattle and Shoreline by not opening a store in those areas.

I’m the kind of gal who needs a little crunch with her oatmeal. I can’t stand that Quaker Oats variety pack, it’s just lacks the texture I need in the morning. Enter Trader Joe’s Steel Cut Oatmeal. It may not be as convenient as the other oatmeal but it definitely does not lack texture. It has a simple flavor that’s not too sweet, it is just brown sugar and maple sugar. It is just enough sweetness to be satisfying. And really, you can’t go wrong with this, it’s only 2 points! If you add in some extras like berries, sliced bananas or even nuts, you have a great healthy filling breakfast. When I see this in stores, I pick up enough for 2 weeks at a time. My freezer doesn’t like it so much but good thing I usually take a few boxes at a time to work with me.

My other Trader Joe’s staple is their Organic Brown Rice. What I love about this is how quick and easy it is. All I have to do is pop this in microwave for 3 minutes and I have perfectly cooked brown rice for only 2 points per serving. My timing is awful when I cook, often times I have my side getting cold while I’m still working on my protein so this is really helpful. I have been tempted to make some brown rice salad with this for quite awhile now, I should see how WW rates the recipe I want to use.

What are your diet staples? I love hearing about new things like this. Usually I weigh in and I’m out but from time to time I stay and listen. If I had not stayed for a meeting one time, I would have never tried these two Trader Joe’s items.

Oh what a crazy week I have had. I moved into a new apartment this weekend and since then, I have done nothing but run around to buy this and that for the new place. In that chaos, I completely forgot to update you about my weigh in… it did not go the way I wanted it to but the end result was positive.

I set foot on the scale and weighed in for a 2lb. loss. I usually do really well my 1st week back on program so I expected maybe a 5lb. or 7lb. loss that week. I tried not to be mad at myself though. All in all, I think I did really well even though I wished it was a bigger loss. I spent some time in the pool and ate more vegetables than I have in a very long time.

The 1st week’s loss may not be stellar but the week after that can be a good one. That has happened to me a few times, my good behavior catches up with me eventually. Had I weighed in yesterday, I think I would have had some good news to report but with all the craziness, completely spaced on my weigh in. I’m going to go weigh in on Saturday instead, maybe make that my day instead of Tuesday. I’ll let you know what the scale says then.

Lately I’ve been watching Bethenny Frankel’s show Bethenny Getting Married. I’m sad that the show is done for the season because Bethenny is hilarious and I can’t help but look at her and admire the woman. Did you see the show? She showed a fair amount of skin during the season and even pregnant, her body was amazing… was it not?

It made me wonder about what she eats and how she exercises. That led me to pick up Naturally Thin. I’m only a few pages in so far but from what I have read on Twitter that it’s a good book; it is easy to read, very informative and teaches you things you thought you knew but really didn’t. Bethenny even re-tweeted about someone losing 184lbs using her method… can you call it a method, I don’t know.

Have you read the book? What do you think? I’m thinking about picking up her other book and DVD too.

My first day back on program was yesterday and I’ve already dipped into my extra 35 points. Normally I would be all kinds of upset with myself for this screw up on day 1 but right now, I’m fine with it. After all, that’s what those 35 extra points are there for, right? I did pretty well during the day but when dinner came around, it went downhill.

My father is a commercial fisherman in Alaska and he’s gone half of the year. Yesterday he came home from Alaska and my mother always makes his favorites meals when he comes home. This is sort of a special occasion for us so last night’s dinner was tri-tip steak pan fried (not breaded) with whole wheat spaghetti and salad. Mindful of my new WW status, my mother was kind enough to grill my steak.

The steak was amazing. I don’t remember my mother being such a good cook when I was younger but now that I’m an adult, it’s like she just keeps getting better and better. There was something about the garlic powder and cumin she used that made that steak irresistible. As such, I had a 2nd helping of an already over-sized portion. Add in the 2 slices of a wheat baguette and I was 10 points over by the end of the day.

I’m OK with because of one thing… I didn’t let it derail me for the rest of the night or today. I have 18 points left for dinner right now (less than I did yesterday) but that’s ok, I stuck with it. Maybe I need to start celebrating the little things like this. Granted, I’d be celebrating every day but maybe it’s what I need to keep going. Food is such a personal thing for me and starting to make better decisions is going to take some time.

These 2 little booklets will be my new best friends for the foreseeable future. On Tuesday I was working late and suddenly I decided that I’d go join Weight Watchers again. I was planning on just doing my own thing without paying Weight Watchers for the pleasure of my membership but then I thought “screw it” and went for it. I do much better when I’m paying for something and have to weigh myself in front of someone.

I was shocked when I saw the woman write down my weight… 347lbs. This is my Weight Watchers unicorn, either this number pops up on the scale when I re-join or this is the number I can’t get past before I quit. I’d love to say not this time but it’s almost proven that when I say something like this, I do not live up to my end of the bargain. I can’t believe I just put my current weight out there… I hope it doesn’t come back to haunt me.

For most of the last 6 years, I’ve ignored my weight and the health issues I have now as a result. Right now I feel inspired and motivated when last month I didn’t and I’m not sure why that is. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to spend another summer without wearing tank tops, shorts and maxi dresses in public, I’m not sure. I just know that now I’m trying to be more self aware and make the right choices, fight with my will power to not give in so easily and eat to make myself feel better at the end of the day.

The other day I mentioned having another blog, well that other blog is a beauty blog. I’ve been blogging about beauty products for almost 5 years and I’ve had an amazing time but sometimes I feel like a bit of sham.

In 2008, I started taking trips for the blog. I won a trip to Paris that year, went to Los Angeles and New York last year, then made 2 more trips back to New York earlier this year. During those trips, I  meet other beauty bloggers and that’s when a feeling of inferiority kicks in. These girls are all so pretty, much thinner than me and impeccably dressed. I take some dress pants and a nice top and I still miss the mark. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t be there some times and that can be a little tough on the self-esteem.

Here is a picture from my trip to Paris, I’m in the middle. When I found out I won a trip to Paris, I freaked out when I realized I was seeing these gals in person.  I told a few of them that I had something to tell them before we met. I made a bigger deal out of it than it really was of course, but I told them “hey, I’m a big girl” as a warning.

Looking back, of course that was a ridiculous thing to do but I just didn’t want that “I can’t believe how huge she is” look in their eyes when I met them. I was meeting people I really admired and I didn’t want to be judged on my appearance. If anything, all of the people I have met have been wonderful. When I meet someone in the industry, I always wonder if they are going to judge my knowledge of beauty products based on my size but so far that hasn’t happened. Maybe it happens behind my back, who knows.

Then there’s the issue of showing my face on my blog. This is something I think I should be doing to help the blog grow (like some tutorials) but I shy away from it. Some bloggers like to show how they look wearing the products they are writing about or make a video showing the actual product. I’ve posted a picture of myself a few times in the past but I always worry if my readers see what I look like, will they lose their faith in me and what I’m saying.  This is ridiculous, I know, but I still think about it. This is the main reason why I sometimes feel like a sham. Unfortunately, the beauty industry (and people) can be superficial. I shouldn’t want to have the approval of people like this but I guess I just want to be liked.

You can probably guess by now that my my weight has had a huge affect on my self-esteem and how I interact with people. Maybe that’s why I love the web so much. I can interact with people without any fear of judgment because they can’t see me. It’s something I’m working on improving but it doesn’t come easy. I’m starting to take little baby steps and put myself in situations that require a bit of confidence. The more I do this, the longer I can be in that situation. Someone once told me to keep doing putting myself out there and if I feel uncomfortable to leave, so that’s what I’m doing. So far the record is 45 minutes.

This picture was taken in January at the company breakfast. It occurred to me that I like to hide in plain sight. It’s like I’m there but really, I’m not there… I’m hovering around in the background or sitting on the sidelines watching life go by.

I’ve had this picture on my hard drive all this time and occasionally I look at it and think about what a fool I am for being this way. It’s as if I do not want any sort of documentation that I am this big. I want to fast forward and only see pictures of a thinner, happier me but I know that will not happen.

No more! I figured I’d post this here so that it reminds me that I need to get out there and live life. I went to New York a few times this year for my other blog (more on that another day) and I absolutely adored the way I felt there. Maybe it was the city itself but I felt like a different person. I was confident and just felt better about myself in general. I need more of that feeling in my everyday life!

I think about moving there from time to time but I know I couldn’t handle it right now. The subway kills me! I really don’t know how New Yorkers do it, really don’t. It’s definitely something to think about when I’m fitter though… For now, I need to find a way to get that feeling back.

Hi! My name is Carla and I am trying to lose weight. I use to blog about my struggle to lose weight years ago but stopped for a reason I can’t quite remember. I was even fortunate enough to have my blog featured in the New York Times. That was years and years ago though. Now I’m back, still trying to lose weight and blogging about the scale’s ups and downs in an effort to give myself a little more accountability and to connect with others working to do the same.

I’ve been overweight for as long as I can remember. I was always the fat girl in school and in life in general. I let my weight hold me back from experiences that could have made a big impact in my life. Now I’m 31 years old and am dealing with the consequences of letting my weight keep me from living a rich and fulfilling life… and it’s not pretty. I’ve been operating under “ignore the problem” mode for so long and the more I realize what it has made me become, the more I’m disappointed in myself. It is time to turn that all around.

I have tried so many diets in my life but nothing has ever worked as well as Weight Watchers has. I’ve joined Weight Watchers so many times that I should just be an honorary member at this point but this is the only program I’ve tried that works for me. I’ve been the “I’ll start on Monday” girl for so long, the one who would let one slip ruin a whole day, week and month. This time, I’m taking things one bite at a time.

As part of the struggle to lose weight, if you keep reading this blog you will be subject to rants on my weigh ins or maybe learn more about me than you care to know. I hope you’ll stay awhile and get comfortable but if not, I understand.