The good news is that I am recognizing my pattern and I want to break it.  It use to take me months to straighten up my act but this time it is taking days. As you can see if you dig around through the archives, I have a tendency to do something, forget about it for awhile and come back to it. I really don’t want that to be the case this time. I just spent the last few months in a huge pit of despair that I didn’t think I would get out of so easily. Now I’m trying to climb my way out of that pit. I’m still in the pit, a little bit anyways, but I’m starting to see my way out now.

My weight has robbed me of a lot of things but of all it has robbed me of my self-confidence and this has led me to be really hard on myself. I am finally starting to recognize that! I use to put so much pressure on how well I did each day and if I went outside the line, I let the lapse bring me down completely. Now I’m going to try and take this bite by bite, step by step, day by day.

For now, I’m going to start small. Just like a good little Weight Watchers girl, I want to focus on losing my 5%. I’m going to take all of my medication and focus on getting out there and moving my body. I want to spend at least 30 minutes walking, at least three times a week. I may not sound like a lot, but for me, this is huge.

See you in a few days…

Since August, I have gained back all of the weight I lost and lost some of it again. I stopped going to weigh-ins shortly after I moved into my new apartment. I spent most of the first month running around shopping for all the things I foolishly tossed out when I moved out of my old place in June. In my mind, it sounded like a good plan. I was going to being in my new place with all new things… but then I wasn’t prepared for the time and money spent replacing all of those things. When I got home at the end of the day, I just wasn’t focused on counting points and let all my progress go.

I did commit myself to Weight Watchers again, I re-joined a few weeks ago. Monday would have been my 4th weigh-in but the Seattle area got some snow this week (we still have not thawed out) and I was too scared to drive to the weigh-in, all I was focused on was getting home in one piece. I’ve lost a total of 7lbs. since I have been back on the wagon and I’ve been feeling better than I have in a long, long time. Realizing you are full on a smaller amount of food than you have been consuming lately is definitely a thing of beauty!

The other thing I have done is join a gym. I’ve had a few sessions with a trainer and we’re developing a routine with weights to work on my legs and arms. I would have been further along but I was sick then had some events for the other blog to attend so that delayed my progress a bit but next week, it’s game on! We still have to work in weights to work out my shoulders and back. And honestly, I have a bit of a crush on the trainer I’m working with so there’s an added incentive to going back to the gym now. More on that another time.

So what’s your strategy for the holidays? Tomorrow is going to be tough. My mother is going to pull out all the stops and her stuffing might just be the best thing I have ever tasted in all of my life. I’m not going to deprive myself but I’m going to have smaller portions than I have in the past and stop when I’m feeling satisfied. I’ll let you know how that goes.

I’m the kind of gal who needs a little crunch with her oatmeal. I can’t stand that Quaker Oats variety pack, it’s just lacks the texture I need in the morning. Enter Trader Joe’s Steel Cut Oatmeal. It may not be as convenient as the other oatmeal but it definitely does not lack texture. It has a simple flavor that’s not too sweet, it is just brown sugar and maple sugar. It is just enough sweetness to be satisfying. And really, you can’t go wrong with this, it’s only 2 points! If you add in some extras like berries, sliced bananas or even nuts, you have a great healthy filling breakfast. When I see this in stores, I pick up enough for 2 weeks at a time. My freezer doesn’t like it so much but good thing I usually take a few boxes at a time to work with me.

My other Trader Joe’s staple is their Organic Brown Rice. What I love about this is how quick and easy it is. All I have to do is pop this in microwave for 3 minutes and I have perfectly cooked brown rice for only 2 points per serving. My timing is awful when I cook, often times I have my side getting cold while I’m still working on my protein so this is really helpful. I have been tempted to make some brown rice salad with this for quite awhile now, I should see how WW rates the recipe I want to use.

What are your diet staples? I love hearing about new things like this. Usually I weigh in and I’m out but from time to time I stay and listen. If I had not stayed for a meeting one time, I would have never tried these two Trader Joe’s items.

I set foot on the scale and weighed in for a 2lb. loss. I usually do really well my 1st week back on program so I expected maybe a 5lb. or 7lb. loss that week. I tried not to be mad at myself though. All in all, I think I did really well even though I wished it was a bigger loss. I spent some time in the pool and ate more vegetables than I have in a very long time.

The 1st week’s loss may not be stellar but the week after that can be a good one. That has happened to me a few times, my good behavior catches up with me eventually. Had I weighed in yesterday, I think I would have had some good news to report but with all the craziness, completely spaced on my weigh in. I’m going to go weigh in on Saturday instead, maybe make that my day instead of Tuesday. I’ll let you know what the scale says then.

Lately I’ve been watching Bethenny Frankel’s show Bethenny Getting Married. I’m sad that the show is done for the season because Bethenny is hilarious and I can’t help but look at her and admire the woman. Did you see the show? She showed a fair amount of skin during the season and even pregnant, her body was amazing… was it not?

It made me wonder about what she eats and how she exercises. That led me to pick up Naturally Thin. I’m only a few pages in so far but from what I have read on Twitter that it’s a good book; it is easy to read, very informative and teaches you things you thought you knew but really didn’t. Bethenny even re-tweeted about someone losing 184lbs using her method… can you call it a method, I don’t know.

Have you read the book? What do you think? I’m thinking about picking up her other book and DVD too.

My father is a commercial fisherman in Alaska and he’s gone half of the year. Yesterday he came home from Alaska and my mother always makes his favorites meals when he comes home. This is sort of a special occasion for us so last night’s dinner was tri-tip steak pan fried (not breaded) with whole wheat spaghetti and salad. Mindful of my new WW status, my mother was kind enough to grill my steak.

The steak was amazing. I don’t remember my mother being such a good cook when I was younger but now that I’m an adult, it’s like she just keeps getting better and better. There was something about the garlic powder and cumin she used that made that steak irresistible. As such, I had a 2nd helping of an already over-sized portion. Add in the 2 slices of a wheat baguette and I was 10 points over by the end of the day.

I’m OK with because of one thing… I didn’t let it derail me for the rest of the night or today. I have 18 points left for dinner right now (less than I did yesterday) but that’s ok, I stuck with it. Maybe I need to start celebrating the little things like this. Granted, I’d be celebrating every day but maybe it’s what I need to keep going. Food is such a personal thing for me and starting to make better decisions is going to take some time.

These 2 little booklets will be my new best friends for the foreseeable future. On Tuesday I was working late and suddenly I decided that I’d go join Weight Watchers again. I was planning on just doing my own thing without paying Weight Watchers for the pleasure of my membership but then I thought “screw it” and went for it. I do much better when I’m paying for something and have to weigh myself in front of someone.

I was shocked when I saw the woman write down my weight… 347lbs. This is my Weight Watchers unicorn, either this number pops up on the scale when I re-join or this is the number I can’t get past before I quit. I’d love to say not this time but it’s almost proven that when I say something like this, I do not live up to my end of the bargain. I can’t believe I just put my current weight out there… I hope it doesn’t come back to haunt me.

For most of the last 6 years, I’ve ignored my weight and the health issues I have now as a result. Right now I feel inspired and motivated when last month I didn’t and I’m not sure why that is. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to spend another summer without wearing tank tops, shorts and maxi dresses in public, I’m not sure. I just know that now I’m trying to be more self aware and make the right choices, fight with my will power to not give in so easily and eat to make myself feel better at the end of the day.

In 2008, I started taking trips for the blog. I won a trip to Paris that year, went to Los Angeles and New York last year, then made 2 more trips back to New York earlier this year. During those trips, I  meet other beauty bloggers and that’s when a feeling of inferiority kicks in. These girls are all so pretty, much thinner than me and impeccably dressed. I take some dress pants and a nice top and I still miss the mark. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t be there some times and that can be a little tough on the self-esteem.

Here is a picture from my trip to Paris, I’m in the middle. When I found out I won a trip to Paris, I freaked out when I realized I was seeing these gals in person.  I told a few of them that I had something to tell them before we met. I made a bigger deal out of it than it really was of course, but I told them “hey, I’m a big girl” as a warning.

Looking back, of course that was a ridiculous thing to do but I just didn’t want that “I can’t believe how huge she is” look in their eyes when I met them. I was meeting people I really admired and I didn’t want to be judged on my appearance. If anything, all of the people I have met have been wonderful. When I meet someone in the industry, I always wonder if they are going to judge my knowledge of beauty products based on my size but so far that hasn’t happened. Maybe it happens behind my back, who knows.

Then there’s the issue of showing my face on my blog. This is something I think I should be doing to help the blog grow (like some tutorials) but I shy away from it. Some bloggers like to show how they look wearing the products they are writing about or make a video showing the actual product. I’ve posted a picture of myself a few times in the past but I always worry if my readers see what I look like, will they lose their faith in me and what I’m saying.  This is ridiculous, I know, but I still think about it. This is the main reason why I sometimes feel like a sham. Unfortunately, the beauty industry (and people) can be superficial. I shouldn’t want to have the approval of people like this but I guess I just want to be liked.

You can probably guess by now that my my weight has had a huge affect on my self-esteem and how I interact with people. Maybe that’s why I love the web so much. I can interact with people without any fear of judgment because they can’t see me. It’s something I’m working on improving but it doesn’t come easy. I’m starting to take little baby steps and put myself in situations that require a bit of confidence. The more I do this, the longer I can be in that situation. Someone once told me to keep doing putting myself out there and if I feel uncomfortable to leave, so that’s what I’m doing. So far the record is 45 minutes.

This picture was taken in January at the company breakfast. It occurred to me that I like to hide in plain sight. It’s like I’m there but really, I’m not there… I’m hovering around in the background or sitting on the sidelines watching life go by.

I’ve had this picture on my hard drive all this time and occasionally I look at it and think about what a fool I am for being this way. It’s as if I do not want any sort of documentation that I am this big. I want to fast forward and only see pictures of a thinner, happier me but I know that will not happen.

No more! I figured I’d post this here so that it reminds me that I need to get out there and live life. I went to New York a few times this year for my other blog (more on that another day) and I absolutely adored the way I felt there. Maybe it was the city itself but I felt like a different person. I was confident and just felt better about myself in general. I need more of that feeling in my everyday life!

I think about moving there from time to time but I know I couldn’t handle it right now. The subway kills me! I really don’t know how New Yorkers do it, really don’t. It’s definitely something to think about when I’m fitter though… For now, I need to find a way to get that feeling back.